Other, Others, Resources

Resources and Systems for Finding Them When You Need Them

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This week I had a friend reach out to see if I had my notes from some meetings we had together approximately 3 years ago.

These notes were regarding resources for times of grief, so it was something I was quite conscious about storing. Thankfully I was able to find these when asked. As I reflected on this, I realized how there are areas where I have good systems in place for organization and other areas where I struggle to retrieve things I’ve deliberately saved. So this post will be about resources and systems for finding them when you need them.

Google Drive

I make use of my google drive to store documents that I am likely to want to retrieve from my laptop or my phone.

Microsoft OneNote

Microsoft OneNote notebook is what I use at work to record notes from meetings, for tasks, technical notes etc. A book that was very helpful to me in deciding how to organize this notebook was Getting Things Done by David Allen.

Good Ole Pen and Paper

There is a time and place for things that are just freeform. Using a good ole pen and paper is helpful for things that are more short term. Things like quick to-do lists, or processing thoughts and emotions are often well served by pen and paper. If later you decide something you’ve written down is worthy of longer terms storage, you can always type it in.

A Time to be Messy

As much as I love being able to find prior notes and resources, I firmly believe there is a time for messy. Brainstorming sessions are one such time. No filter, no organizing while trying to capture the ideas. The time for that can come later, if needed. If you are to get all of your ideas down, this is a time for messiness.

What are some of your favorite ways to capture thoughts? Do you find it easy to re-find resources when you need them?

Mental Health, Yourself

When Your Feelings Make Sense, But You Still Judge Yourself for Them

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Our feelings are indicators and they can be based on a number of things. Some of those things are happening in the present. Some relate to things in our past. Some are rational. Some are not. This post is not about trying to make every feeling be explainable. It is about times when your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them.

In my work lately I have been struggling emotionally. This morning, I took a bit of time to reflect and asked myself what I was feeling. Some of the emotion words that came up were – lonely, uncertain, frustrated. Can you relate? I noticed that even acknowledging these feelings brought up self-judgement in me. This self-judgement adds further negativity and is part of a trauma response. My inner critic, actually wants to protect me in certain ways based on my past. In the process, though, he tends to berate me.

Realize the self-judgement is likely a trauma response

Many people who go through trauma as a child receive the message that their feelings are not valid. This message of judgement toward feelings or expressions of feelings is therefore rooted in this trauma. Even this realization can be helpful to you.

Getting curious

More and more I am learning about the power of curiosity with my feelings. Rather than simply accepting the self-judgement, I chose to approach these feelings with some curiosity. The more I kindly looked at what I had been experiencing, I realized how much it made sense. In some ways, it was as if I were hearing a friend describe how they felt in my situation. I was able to say to myself, of course you feel lonely. That makes so much sense given what you are going through.

“That makes so much sense given what you are going through.”

When your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them, may I offer that self-compassion be one of the tools you enlist in these times.

Self-compassion

What self-compassion is not meant to be:

  • License to treat people poorly. Yes, your feelings are valid, but that does not mean you get to take them out on other people.
  • License to wallow in self-pity. There is definitely a line to watch out for when self-compassion can cross over into self-pity.

Kristen Neff shares about self-compassion in her books and talks. Some ways to cultivate self-compassion that she shares:

  1. Speak kindly to yourself.
  2. Spend time doing things you truly enjoy.
  3. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
  4. Strive to avoid judgements and assumptions.
  5. Take care of your mind and your body.
  6. Cultivate acceptance, including your flaws.

Another lesson I learned from Kristen was the value in acknowledging to yourself. This is hard, while recognizing the common-ness of hard things that we humans face. Kristen provides a self-compassion break exercise on her site that I use regularly.

I hope you find this helpful when your feelings make sense, but you still judge yourself for them.

Mind, Resources

A Tool to Get Distance from Your Thoughts

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Today I want to share a tool to get distance from your thoughts. This is a tool I first learned from a lady on a YouTube channel called Crappy Childhood Fairy. I have not taken the classes she offers and have not subscribed to her channel, so I am not endorsing all of her content. I am saying that a tool I heard first on her channel has been very helpful to me. I hope it will be for you as well!

Write down the thoughts, in a specific way

The basic idea is that you simply write down the thoughts you are having that are causing you distress. Because you are able to write the thoughts down, this alone can help to create some distance.

Key Idea: You are not your thoughts.

With this in mind, she offers that it can be helpful to add something like “I am noticing I am having the fearful thought that …” before the thought you write down. This allows you to acknowledge what is really happening.

Key Idea: You are the noticer of the thoughts.

Do not filter the thoughts that you are writing down

The first objective is to simply record what you are noticing, not what you are or are not agreeing with. You can reflect later. This tool is simply about noticing. Once you have established the distance between yourself and your thoughts, you will find other tools may be helpful.

The Crappy Childhood Fairy recommends doing this exercise daily for a period of time, at least. I did do this for about a month. I now find, I use it in times when I get flooded with thoughts.

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

Partnering with Yourself

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Thoughts come rushing in. Feelings seem overwhelming. In these times it can be so easy to be swept away in either or both of these currents. Instead recently I’ve learned to see these as opportunities to partner with myself. I want to encourage you to also consider ways of partnering with yourself.

Helpful questions to ask yourself:

  • What do I need right now?
  • How would I offer to help a friend in this situation?
  • Is there something physical I can do to help myself – do I need to drink some water, eat something, take a walk?
  • Is there something creative I’m yearning to express?
  • Would some time just in worship help?

Just the other night, I had a surge of physical sensations, seemingly out of nowhere. I’m not sure if it qualified as a hot flash or hot flush or something totally separate. I suddenly felt very warm, my heart was beating faster, and I generally felt unsteady. I happened to be with other people and I felt like my face was bright red. My instinct was to get out of there, as quick and as discretely as possible. The situation was such that this really wasn’t a possibility. As I breathed through the sensations my mind ran through a rolodex of options. Here is what I did to partner with myself.

  • Breathed deeply.
  • Acknowledged I was struggling.
  • Stepped away to the restroom – used this time to asked myself some of the questions above.
  • Washed my hands with cool water and connected to that sensation.
  • Took a few sips of water.
  • Did my best to be kind to myself, at least internally.

Another post for these times that you might find helpful is The Power of Slowing Down

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

Mental Health Tool – Noting Subjective Units of Distress

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A mental health tool that I recently learned about is noting subjective units of distress (SUDs). I’ll cover the basic idea and then help explain how and when to apply it.

What is noting subjective units of distress?

Noting subjective units of distress, is basically just rating how much distress you feel in the moment on a scale from 0 to 10. 0 being absolutely none and 8 to 10 being highly distressed. The practice is most helpful if you consciously choose to stop and take note multiple times throughout your day. A simple check in practice with yourself can be very helpful.

How SUDs check-ins can look

Last week I was on a business trip, outside my normal surroundings. The venue was lovely and in many ways could have been a vacation-like atmosphere. I am aware that being in unfamiliar places can be challenging for me, I deliberately committed to checking in with myself on a regular basis. Mid-morning, I would take a deep breath and scan my body. I’d rate my sensations. At some point during lunch I’d do the same. Some time in the afternoon, then again in the evening. Just as I went to bed would be another check point. I noticed over the days that at times I would pick up on patterns of when I was more amped up than others. I also noticed at times I was in a very different mental space than I might have anticipated – sometimes lower in terms of distress and other times higher. For the practice of noting, I just made the observation. It is important not to try to over diagnose.

When is it most helpful to note your SUDs?

I find that this tool is especially helpful in situations where I feel a bit of vulnerability. My trip last week was an example of this. It helps me to realize that my feelings of distress do ebb and flow. It also helps me to pause and take in the good when my distress is low. I am more in tune to resource myself when the distress is high. Additionally, during times when I notice I am at an 8 or 9, I know to allow myself to get through that time before trying to take on more or make any decisions. A helpful phrase I’ve learned is, “I need a break right now.”

No shaming aloud

One caution I have with this is to remind yourself that no shaming is aloud. It can be very easy to instead use this information to shame yourself. You probably know the tone of this all too well. It goes something like this. Why am I so freaked out? For goodness sakes, just calm down. You should be enjoying yourself. Look no one else is struggling like you are. I will write more in the future about dealing with this inner critic, but for now just know that the point of noting where your distress level is at is all about tuning in to yourself and resourcing yourself.

More of where I learned about this tool and some variations

I first learned about subjective units of distress (SUDs) from reading I had done about a type of therapy known as Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I’ve heard a number of variations on this. To a certain extent basic mindfulness has an element of this in that it includes paying attention to the current moment, non-judgmentally. Mel Robbins in her 5 Second Journal has a section where she has you circle how you’re feeling today on a gas gauge from depleted through energized. This is a similar concept of checking in with yourself and noting without having to make yourself wrong.

We all have times where we feel more or less distress. We do not have to look like everyone else. May I encourage you today to tune in to yourself and be on your own side.

Resources if you find your SUDs are high

We all have those times when our SUDs just hit high levels, sometimes with easily understood circumstances and sometimes seemingly for no reason. I did wanted to list some helpful resources in these times.

  • Slow Down – I wrote about the Power of Slowing Down here.
  • Start Writing Things Down, if needed – this not only helps you slow down, it also helps when our brain is having trouble remembering.
  • Breathe Deeply – Andrew Huberman recommends the physiological sigh to lower arousal. It is simply taking 2 sips of air in, followed by an extended exhale. Doing this a few times can really help to signal to your body that you are safe.
  • Say to yourself, “I feel afraid, but I am not in danger.” or “I am safe, resourced, and connected.”
  • Let Go and Start Again – I wrote about this here.
  • I wrote an article on 10 Things Christians Can Do When They Feel Antsy.

I pray you find these helpful, but please comment if you have questions or other suggestions.

Mental Health, Yourself

Let go and start again

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I had a rough day today. Can you relate? Do you have those days when you beat yourself because you know better?

Scripture tells us something really practical to do in these moments.

“Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14

Let go and start again, is how I summarize this.

I find often people give the advice to let go and let God. While I understand this and it can be good advice. Many times, I find, I still have a role to play. That is why I suggest, and I believe this verse points to starting again / pressing forward.

If you have noticed your heading the wrong direction, I encourage you to let go and start again.

Mental Health, Mind

Noticing When You are Caring Something That is Not Yours To Carry

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One warning sign I have begun to tune into is a feeling exhaustion. There are a number of things that can lead to this exhaustion. Such things as doing more physical work than usual, are easy to understand. The mental or emotional exhaustion is harder to discern. In today’s post I want to talk about noticing when you are caring something that is not yours to carry.

One particular scripture strikes me as speaking directly to this type of feeling.

What God Says

“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:28-29

How Things Get Added to Our Load

Despite the invitation Jesus offers us, our lives offer many opportunities to add to our load.

Last night I had a conversation with my husband about a medical concern. It was the sort of thing that had no right answer. The kind of thing about which neither of us had much control at all. We had very different responses. He just wanted to let it be. I wanted to do something. Again, this was not about what was right or wrong, it was just different responses due to a number of factors. This conversation came after a long day at work for each of us.

My day included a tough conversation with a former coworker who’s grandson had just been born extremely prematurely. As I spoke with this former coworker, my heart ached as I could certainly imagine how hard his situation was. I told him I would be praying for him, his grandson and his family. While I did follow through with that praying, I also carried the sadness and fear.

At the end of my work day, I was told that a colleague had been approved for long term disability. This put a sudden end to a 20 plus year career. My heart ached for her. I had a conversation with her a couple of months prior where she implored me to see that she was capable of doing the work. More praying, but no releasing.

As I worked that day, I contemplated concerns I had for our home, for our children, for their work, for relationships. All of these increased the load both mentally and emotionally. Scripture tells us what to do with our cares.

What to Do

casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

Last night as I took my walk, I told God, “I’m tired.” This is when he showed me, I was tired because I was caring somethings that were not mine to carry. Can you relate?

I’m learning I cannot feel other people’s feelings for them.  It can be kind to empathize with another person, and even as you hear things imagine what it must be like for them.  But truly you cannot feel their feelings for them and therefore you being distraught about a situation, does nothing to relieve their pain.  Being present to listen well to them can help them feel seen and heard and that matters.

May I encourage each of us to notice when things get too heavy. When they do, may we release what is not ours to carry to God. May we go to Jesus and receive rest.

Mind, Yourself

The Power of Slowing Down

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“I have got to do something.” “I have got to get out of here.” As I have begun paying attention, I’ve begun noticing how bossy emotions can be at times. This is where the power of slowing down has been one of my newer tools.

When I notice thoughts coming too fast to process, I try to pause, breath, then slow down. It is counterintuitive, but powerful. I find slowing down in these times, actually often leads to more, not less, productivity.

A few questions I find that are helpful:

  1. Is my body tense?
  2. Am I being invited into this, or do I feel rushed or pushed?
  3. Am I here now, or have I, mentally, moved ahead of myself?

Next time you find yourself pressing through, I invite you to pause, relax your body and slow down. I think you’ll find you get just as much done, but with much more peace.

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

Tools for When You are Under Pressure

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When the clock is ticking and you have to do something it can be tempting to abandon all you know is healthy and go for what is easy. In this post I want to explore tools for when you are under pressure.

It is the day before the fiscal year end and suddenly things that have gone unresolved have to be addressed. The ones actually responsible for resolving the issues either cannot be reached or somehow manage to redirect the pressure cooker to you. Or perhaps it is your own doing. You knew you had this deadline. The urgent, or maybe even the just more fun, kept usurping its power over the important. In either case, you’re here now and you need to do something.

Start with Awareness

It is interesting to understand research says some people actually perform better under this kind of time stress. There is also research that says that parts of our brain go off-line in favor of other areas when we are stressed. Like most things, the first tool I will recommend is awareness. Tuning in to your body with compassion for the demands it is experiencing is a kind first step.

Guard Your Heart

Scripture tells us to guard our hearts above all else because all of life flows from it.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23 NIV

In times of stress, I find it becomes very easy to become resentful. “Why didn’t they come to me sooner?” “Why do I always have to do this?” “This project is stupid anyway.” are some of the thoughts that come to mind. Although there may be some validity to them. This is likely not a fruitful train of thought in the immediate. During times when you are under pressure, sometimes you need to focus on the short term, then make a plan to address the long term after the crisis has been addressed.

Choose Wisely

My husband was a combat medic and he describes a process of triage that he was instructed in when coming upon a medical emergency. Although, thankfully, most times of pressure are not medical emergencies, the principals of prioritizing and choice making can serve us well in these times. A key thing to recognize when under pressure, is that not all requests are created equal. It is ok to make choices of what will and what will not receive your attention.

Regroup Once the Pressure Has Lifted

As mentioned multiple times above, times of pressure often involve short term compromises. As necessary as those can be short term, they can be detrimental if they extend beyond their useful life. It is very important to regroup once the pressure has lifted. Some things to consider:

  • What lead to this time of pressure?
  • Were there things that could have been done differently to avoid this?
  • Who is accountable for doing the things that will help this be avoided?
  • How can we better handle these things in the future?
  • Are there ways to lessen the impact in the future?
  • Did this time of pressure lead to any things that need to be addressed now? In other words, are there messes to clean up?
  • Can formal triage procedures be put in place?

I’d love to hear from you, what are some tolls for when you are under pressure that you have found helpful?

Mental Health, Mind, Yourself

Take Time to Arrive

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Have you ever felt like all of your interactions in a day feel like they are mid-sentence? As if everyone else has some context you are missing? As if you are running behind?

Recently I’ve begun to see these feels as signals. Signals that I can invite myself to take time to arrive.

What this looks like

It can certainly vary based on the person and based on the context. For example the specifics that I do in a work context are different than when I’m at home by myself. The key, for me, is reconnecting with the present moment. I often do this through conscious breathing. There is something so reassuring about the presence of our breath. It can become quite short when we rush through our interactions. Slowing down my breath can have a profound effect on the tempo of my day. Another go-to for me are grounding techniques such as feeling the seat I am sitting in. Feeling the ground that I’m standing on.

So if today feels a bit like you are running behind, I invite you to take time to arrive and see if that just doesn’t actually help things settle a bit.

How about you? What things help you connect with the present as you are going about your day?